Samir Soni’s My Experiments with Silence is about placing faith in one’s capacity to introspect and heal oneself

How do Bollywood actors take care of their mental health? This area of their life is often a mystery because their physique tends to hog much of the limelight. Moreover, there is a cultural silence around mental health. People are reluctant to open up about their daily struggles because they worry about being laughed at, stigmatized, or rejected. The anxiety seems justified, given the lack of understanding about mental health in our society.

Samir Soni, who has acted in films such as China Gate (1998), Lajja (2001), Baghban (2003), Fashion (2008), I Hate Luv Storys (2010), and Student of the Year 2 (2019), has written an eye-opening account of his mental health journey in a book titled My Experiments with Silence: The Diary of An Introvert. It has been published by Om Books International.

This book is not about working with a therapist, life coach or spiritual guru. It is about placing faith in one’s capacity to introspect, watch thought patterns, work things out on one’s own, and heal oneself. This approach may not work for everyone but it is worth considering. The author has dedicated this book to “all the misfit souls of the world, living the inside out.”

It is primarily a collection of diary entries, poems, and personal essays written by Soni. He writes with a mix of confidence and vulnerability, fully aware that he is providing access to the workings of his mind to readers who are outside his inner circle and might judge him. He confesses to a strong need for validation, and an accompanying disgust directed at this very need. In the book, he expresses despair, hope, sadness, joy, and a deep faith in a loving God.

Soni writes, “I didn’t grow up in a very religious family, but ‘God’ had a very important role to play in my life. He saw everything, knew everything and justice would always be done. He was the father figure who always stood by me and told me to do the right thing.” Soni developed an intimate personal relationship with God, having conversations with him at night while looking at the moon. “It always represented the face of God smiling from above.”

He began keeping a diary in his twenties to deal with personal and professional setbacks. It gave him a chance to be alone with his thoughts. He saw it as “a crutch similar to another person’s company, but only more effective for it lightens one’s mind without making the soul hollow.” Pouring his thoughts on paper helped him resolve troubling issues, feel stronger, and be more in control. He remarks, “I decided to confront my pain and not run away from it.”

Did you know that Soni studied business economics in Los Angeles and worked as a financial analyst on Wall Street before he decided to pursue his passion for acting?

The career switch was not easy. Though he had committed himself to films, he needed to prove himself. In this book, he talks his highs and lows, moments of self-doubt, and frustration with others in the film industry who could not appreciate his capabilities. He opens up about his “desire to be respected and appreciated”, which was not always fulfilled. The writing is marked by agony. It shows how difficult life can be for people in Bollywood.

He writes, “The phase after the release of my not-so-successful first film and abrupt divorce was the most trying phase of my life. Nothing had prepared me for this double whammy. I had never hurt like this before and, worse still, I wasn’t even sure why.” He was determined to take charge of the situation, so he started his “experiments with silence.” What did he do?

Soni reveals, “The idea was to learn to be by myself, my pain, my fears, my disappointments and not to reach out for any distractions – phone, friends, TV, or a book. The only luxury I allowed myself was writing.” The pages of this book came from that “soul-searching experience.” It lasted for almost two years, and it played a big role in shaping the rest of his life. This exploration took him to “places in my mind that I didn’t even know existed.”

This book is an honest account of the squalour that hides behind the glamour. Soni is not trying to cheer up the reader. He talks about being a slave to his urges, and about loneliness, childhood trauma, old regrets, and the hunger to earn more and more, which is never satiated. He does speak kindly to himself in this book, and finds comfort in simple things like “birds flying”, “trees swaying”, “the sound of the sea waves”, and “the voice of kids playing cricket on the beach” but only after giving himself a reality check. He likes to see things as they are.

To use Soni’s metaphor, there is “light at the end of the tunnel” but it can be found only after encountering the dark. He writes, “We are scared to be alone because the moment we are alone, all these negative emotions come rushing back to us, as we are forced to relive all our negative experiences again…But unless we deal with the baggage that we have accumulated since childhood, we will never realize our true potential, professionally or personally.”

This book is likely to resonate with readers who enjoyed model and actor Sidhartha Mallya’s book If I’m Honest (2021) and screenwriter Shaheen Bhatt’s book I’ve Never Been (Un)Happier (2019), which are thought-provoking mental health narratives from showbiz.

Hopefully, Soni’s hard-hitting reflections will encourage more conversations about mental health in the Hindi film industry, and lead to concrete initiatives that provide care and support for everyone on the set, be it a star or a spot boy, a choreographer or a background dancer.

Chintan Girish Modi is a writer, journalist, commentator and book reviewer.

by Chintan Girish Modi